Lies

Ann,

I have a serious problem with beating myself up over mothering and housekeeping issues. It's affecting every aspect of my life and stealing my joy. Doesn't this sound like a fun post?!

 

The things I hear other moms mention in passing become standards I have to live up to. The smallest piece of advice or wisdom I overhear becomes the rule. When you comment in passing that you had dinner guests and your kids behaved well and sat quietly for the meal, I consider it a failure on my part. Although our kids would sit, they certainly wouldn't be quiet! Nevermind the fact that you have a 5-year-old who sets an example, or that you have plenty of nights where they don't sit perfectly. But I don't even want to combat this twisted thinking by explaining away your accomplishment, I just want to have the confidence in my parenting to completely separate my style from your style, my progress from your progress, and my parenting journey from yours (and everyone else for that matter!).

I thought I was being healthy by limiting my "mom" talk with friends and forgoing all blog reading. Don't get me wrong, this did help. But the most innocent of comments become fuel for my self-deprecating, so avoiding the stimulus isn't the answer. I have to turn these lies into truths.

This might be the craziest part of all: I actually think I'm a good mom. I think a lot of what I do is good for our boys and our lifestyle and our desires for them.

So where's this coming from? I really don't even know where to start, aside from asking the Holy Spirit to start revealing the answers to me so I can start believing truths.

Jen

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Jen,

As you know, comparing can be very dangerous, especially because we never know the whole story. I can look at someone else's life and think it may look easy but we don't know all the hard work that person put in, or the extra things that are happening that can be extremely hard. It would be easy for me to feel sad that Ada isn't doing all the things other 8-month-olds do, but I've decided not to compare Ada to other 8-month-olds. I am choosing to only look at Ada and be glad that she is progressing and encourage her when she is not. I believe we need to use this same philosophy on ourselves and each other.

You are a good mom--a good Mom for Levi, Everett, Hayden and soon-to-be baby. I totally get the feelings of being inadequate and yet also believing I am doing ok. Your Everett gave up the pacifier way before June. Heck your kids are actually going on the potty! I could make that a reflection of my parenting, but instead I have to realize that June is on a different pace than your boys. We can use the information we do hear from other moms and let it be a trigger to try for those things when our kids are ready. If we notice another kid our kid's age doing something on their own, it's a reminder that our kids can try that too. We just may not have thought to let them.

You and I have talked before about the perfectionist inside of you. I think a lot of Moms struggle with this and if we can get to the root to why we want to be perfect in certain areas maybe we can set ourselves free. I believe we can do this through intimate relationships and like you said, asking the Holy Spirit for help. Talking about this with each other and encouraging one another can be a great gift!

I wonder what others think about this. Do they struggle with it? What are some ways they have gotten over being in these situations?

Ann

P.S. I'm not sure I ever said she was quiet. Did I say that? That's a rare one! She's rarely quiet.