A Little Over Halfway

Jen,

My 12 week journey is more than underway (Week 7) and God has shown up. Somehow, whenever He does I am always surprised. That seems completely ridiculous because I believe He will show up for many, but to show up for me seems different. I feel opposite feelings and thoughts from “Why would He show up for me, I am not worthy” to “I’m fine on my own, no need for You, Lord!” It's ridiculous!

Before I began the journey I made a list of all that I am involved in and submitted it to some women that know me and can see the big picture. As I’ve prayed over this list and have submitted it, I have felt a freedom to let go of certain activities. I know I need to pare down my schedule a bit so I will have a better focus on my immediate family. My kids are young and with two of them having very regular therapies and doctors appointments I need not spread myself too thin. Sometimes I look at my schedule and think I could do more, but then I know that our schedules aren’t just what is on paper--it's also all the prep work and the effort it takes up in your mind. For me, it’s not just attending all the appointments, but it's talking to insurance companies, making the appointments (while children are napping and hopefully not screaming), collecting the documentation needed and reading over all the handouts that are given to me each time. Whew! Just thinking about it makes my brain hurt and so it feels good to pare down and focus and allow for time.

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you." - Matthew 7:7 Photo taken at Meadowbrook Hall in Rochester Hills, MI 

I don't always speak about what is going on inside of me when I am going through something hard. Both you and my sister have pointed that out and I know there are two reasons. Sometimes it's because what I am going through seems indescribable. Not because no one else has experienced it, but because I just don't have the words to be understood. I've realized that being understood is something that I hold as a high value. I am learning to let this go because no one but Jesus will completely understand me. I also need to allow for the Body of Christ to try to understand me so that in my weakness they can be strong through Christ. 

I also don't always like to express because I know in this world someone else is going through something far worse, so who am I to think that what is happening to me is really that bad? I have friends who encourage me by reminding me that feelings are feelings and we can't deny them. I don't believe I am denying my feelings. I just believe that I am not wanting to wallow in them for too long because my life is good and things really aren't all that bad. When Ada was born a few people mentioned how well I was doing with her having Down syndrome and that the grief may hit me later. I keep waiting for this deep grief to hit me but instead I'm amazed and happy that I am able to learn more about DS and grateful for meeting so may great people through my daughter.

Ada, 7 months old, at the library

I am feeling comfortable with what I have learned so far but know there are two more things that will happen on this journey for which I need your prayers. First off, I am not doing well with how I am eating. I took a break when we went on vacation and it's been downhill from there. Whenever I tell someone this, they are so encouraging and believe that I eat well. In comparison to many, I probably do, but I know what I believe the Lord calling me to do in this area and I just haven't wanted to listen. It's hard because I love food and food is attached to so many things for me such as fun, celebration, bad mood, stress, etc! I am asking the Lord to continue to change my attitude towards food so that I can still enjoy it but not be attached to it emotionally.

The second thing I ask for your prayers for is that the story of Jonah continues to be brought to my attention. I've heard three different pastors speak on it and this does not count the other few times it has been brought up in conversation. I know there is a message for me in this story and I want to be obedient to listen and understand. For now, I can speculate, but I don't want the message to be from my brain, but from the Holy Spirit in my heart.

Thanks for being with me on this journey! Your support and the support from my family and friends is amazing. I am truly blessed.

Ann
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Ann,

I'm so excited to stand on the periphery and learn from your journey! I'm always encouraged by your very deliberate efforts to figure out what Christ is saying to you, and then your work to apply it to your life.

Prayers will continue for sure.

Jen