This first week and a half engaging in healthier habits has been good. Good but different than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be having a hard time keeping up with a better food plan but instead I have had a hard time acknowledging some emotions and thoughts I didn't realize I had.
Ever since my 20-week ultrasound with Ada I have made comments that this would be the last child that came from this body. Most people took this to mean I had a very difficult pregnancy. The pregnancy itself was not anything different than most people experience, it was the doctor's appointments, the unknown of whether she had Down syndrome and the pressure I felt to give people answers. I wasn't even sure what I meant when I made this comment until this week.
At this point I may have reached my capacity on the children I raise well, but more than that I fear that if this body produced another child it would come into this world with another disability. I love my children like crazy and I believe I have accepted their bodies even if they are different than the typical child. Of course this is not without concern for their future and the way society may accept them. My prayer always is for a loving community to surround them, that they would be confident in themselves to be who they are, and strong enough to advocate for themselves.
|Ada, 5 1/2 months|
When struggling with infertility I often struggled with the feelings of inadequacy. Now in my brain that does not make any sense. I had little control over my body and couldn't control if it would or would not get pregnant, but deep in my heart there was a sense and wondering if somehow it was all my fault. I wanted to give my husband, Greg, children and now again I am struggling with feeling that I am stopping the process of giving him one more. I am feeling this same way about Down syndrome.
I wouldn't want Ada to not have Down syndrome because, well, Ada wouldn't be Ada anymore, and I truly am looking forward to the continued change in our family's hearts as we realize that we don't need to look or be a certain way. That we just need to embrace who we are and accept the love of our Creator. At the same time I don't like that she will struggle with sitting up, eating, walking, talking, etc. I don't want it to be hard for her! I can also feel this same heaviness for June having to wear hearing aids. To me, I forget they are even there and I think she looks bare without them but I am sure not all of society will see her like I do.
I am grieving the potential of another child because at times I wonder if maybe we'd welcome one more if we didn't have the extra time put into exercises, therapies and doctor's appointments. At the same time it's been nice to think about gaining my own body back postpartum, to eat and be who I should be physically to stay healthier for myself and for my family.
|Catina and June selling lemonade|
It's also been nice to think these are my girls and let's just focus on them for now! For so long we were trying to conceive that it's become a natural part of who I am. Even with my first periods after Ada I had this pang of sadness that I wasn't pregnant, and then would remember I had a very young baby. My mind had been conditioned to grieve each month and now I can release that and be grateful for the THREE children I have! Three, Jen, can you believe it?
This is just the beginning of what I am embracing and understanding. Greg is so loving and reassuring that we are in this together and he is grateful for our lives now. This is helpful. Please pray for me as I sift through these thoughts and emotions and pray that I continue to learn more about what it means to be loved by Jesus.
Thanks for your honesty and a peak inside your deepest thoughts.
I remember having conversations about whether or not we'll know when we're "done" having kids (dreaming that we'd actually have the choice!), and I know we never considered what you're experiencing.
Praise God for a wise and loving husband, and three precious girlies. I do pray that you would embrace Christ's love and reassurance while you journey.
Makes me think of this beautiful song: