When I look back on those years of trying to conceive, I have a memory of constantly thinking “just one more month.” It’s so hard to reconcile the fact that time might take care of the issue versus biology, and the fact that for some people, a little help is just necessary.
Help can be something as basic as taking heparin, a medicine that thins the blood and increases the flow to the uterus (my doctor suspected this is why I once had a very early-term miscarriage), or it can be in the form of in vitro or a surrogate. The possibilities are practically endless, even though our hearts and wallets aren’t.
I remember being prescribed clomid for the first time. I was so convinced that it would render me instantly pregnant that I carried it around in my purse for SIX MONTHS (obviously looking for the perfect conception date). When I finally took it, and took it again and again, I could not believe it wasn’t working!
Soon I learned that no drug or procedure could “make me” pregnant. I was so thankful for the genius of these doctors and interventions, but it was up to the Creator to breathe life into me. This was actually an incredible comfort; it took away the nagging feeling that we were manipulating something, that we were “making me” pregnant. It’s actually laughable. But when you’re in the trenches, with people getting pregnant so easily all around you, it’s hard to believe that it doesn’t just happened that easily for everyone. Especially if you’re willing to wait just one more month.
My hope for these women and their spouses we’ve been praying for is they would find peace about their journey, and that their next steps would be made clear to them.
So crazy that you should write this because I was just thinking about this the other day. When things were not happening for Greg and me, I remember a friend recommending a fertility specialist and I was very resistant. Somehow I couldn’t comprehend why we weren’t getting pregnant. I kind of felt like a failure admitting we may need medical help, even though logically that doesn’t make sense because HUMANS CANNOT CREATE BABIES, ONLY GOD CAN! Even if medical help is used, babies aren’t guaranteed unless God ordains it.
The only reason I moved forward with going to see a doctor was because respected friends urged us to at least have a consultation. At that point we were more open with people about wanting to be pregnant and how it wasn’t happening for us. You can only hear so many comments and questions about the “when” from people and I wanted people to know it wasn’t for lack of trying. I wish I could say that once I saw the doctor it was an easy decision what to do next but it wasn’t. I’m glad I did but it wasn’t the funnest thing I’ve ever done.