Jen,
I've been dying to write a list of things to say/not to say when supporting those who are waiting for children. I'm hoping if we miss suggestions that those reading will comment and we can add them.
What to say:
- How can I support you during this time of waiting?
- When I know someone is pregnant or I am pregnant myself how would it be best to tell you?
What not to say to anyone:
- So, when are you gonna pull the old goalie?
- Don't you know that not having children is the most selfish thing you can do?
- Why don't you just adopt?
- My friend's cousin's sister adopted and then she got pregnant.
- Oh relax! You should go on a vacation. That would do the trick.
- Guess what? I'M PREGNANT!
- I just look at my husband and I'm pregnant.
- Do you know how kids are made?
You don't have to struggle with fertility to support someone. My sister-in-law, April, has four children and was such a great support and very understanding. April asked me how she could best support me and I was able to be honest with her. For me, I wanted people to give me the punch line when they were pregnant and not to make it full of drama. April was so gracious and before I attended a party with her, she let me know she was going to announce her pregnancy. She knew I'd rather have a heads-up to deal with my emotions before I showed up. I was so grateful, and I was able to sort through my emotions before I got there and truly be happy for her and my brother-in-law.
What things do you think we could add to this list?
Ann
___________
Ann,
In general I just think it's so important to ask someone how you can support them. Even if we don't know what we need, it's just nice knowing you care enough to ask!
On that same note, I do think it's important for women to figure out how to communicate any need they are aware of. For instance, I remember being asked a few times by a friend to babysit her children. It was during my latter waiting years, and I had to tell her that I just wan't in a place to build relationships with kids who weren't my own. I know how selfish that sounds, and I LOVE children and used to cherish the time with friends' kids, volunteering to spend time with them. But I knew the season had come when it would be too uncomfortable, and I had to risk looking bad in order to protect myself. This is a very thin line to walk, but I know it was the right thing to do.
Jen
___________
Ann,
In general I just think it's so important to ask someone how you can support them. Even if we don't know what we need, it's just nice knowing you care enough to ask!
On that same note, I do think it's important for women to figure out how to communicate any need they are aware of. For instance, I remember being asked a few times by a friend to babysit her children. It was during my latter waiting years, and I had to tell her that I just wan't in a place to build relationships with kids who weren't my own. I know how selfish that sounds, and I LOVE children and used to cherish the time with friends' kids, volunteering to spend time with them. But I knew the season had come when it would be too uncomfortable, and I had to risk looking bad in order to protect myself. This is a very thin line to walk, but I know it was the right thing to do.
Jen
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