Lies

Ann,

I have a serious problem with beating myself up over mothering and housekeeping issues. It's affecting every aspect of my life and stealing my joy. Doesn't this sound like a fun post?!

 

The things I hear other moms mention in passing become standards I have to live up to. The smallest piece of advice or wisdom I overhear becomes the rule. When you comment in passing that you had dinner guests and your kids behaved well and sat quietly for the meal, I consider it a failure on my part. Although our kids would sit, they certainly wouldn't be quiet! Nevermind the fact that you have a 5-year-old who sets an example, or that you have plenty of nights where they don't sit perfectly. But I don't even want to combat this twisted thinking by explaining away your accomplishment, I just want to have the confidence in my parenting to completely separate my style from your style, my progress from your progress, and my parenting journey from yours (and everyone else for that matter!).

I thought I was being healthy by limiting my "mom" talk with friends and forgoing all blog reading. Don't get me wrong, this did help. But the most innocent of comments become fuel for my self-deprecating, so avoiding the stimulus isn't the answer. I have to turn these lies into truths.

This might be the craziest part of all: I actually think I'm a good mom. I think a lot of what I do is good for our boys and our lifestyle and our desires for them.

So where's this coming from? I really don't even know where to start, aside from asking the Holy Spirit to start revealing the answers to me so I can start believing truths.

Jen

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Jen,

As you know, comparing can be very dangerous, especially because we never know the whole story. I can look at someone else's life and think it may look easy but we don't know all the hard work that person put in, or the extra things that are happening that can be extremely hard. It would be easy for me to feel sad that Ada isn't doing all the things other 8-month-olds do, but I've decided not to compare Ada to other 8-month-olds. I am choosing to only look at Ada and be glad that she is progressing and encourage her when she is not. I believe we need to use this same philosophy on ourselves and each other.

You are a good mom--a good Mom for Levi, Everett, Hayden and soon-to-be baby. I totally get the feelings of being inadequate and yet also believing I am doing ok. Your Everett gave up the pacifier way before June. Heck your kids are actually going on the potty! I could make that a reflection of my parenting, but instead I have to realize that June is on a different pace than your boys. We can use the information we do hear from other moms and let it be a trigger to try for those things when our kids are ready. If we notice another kid our kid's age doing something on their own, it's a reminder that our kids can try that too. We just may not have thought to let them.

You and I have talked before about the perfectionist inside of you. I think a lot of Moms struggle with this and if we can get to the root to why we want to be perfect in certain areas maybe we can set ourselves free. I believe we can do this through intimate relationships and like you said, asking the Holy Spirit for help. Talking about this with each other and encouraging one another can be a great gift!

I wonder what others think about this. Do they struggle with it? What are some ways they have gotten over being in these situations?

Ann

P.S. I'm not sure I ever said she was quiet. Did I say that? That's a rare one! She's rarely quiet.

Delicioso

I keep hearing how if you cook with your children they will like more things. I try this often and I think it's only happened one time. Catina has two cook books and loves looking at them but barely likes eating anything suggested on the inside.

 

 After all this...her response was "I don't like it!" And if big sister says it, so does little sister.

God Complex

Jen,

This is my last week of my twelve-week journey. I'm excited about all I've learned but there is this odd and fearful feeling that I'm not quite finished learning some big things. I pray I can keep my ear listening to what actions I need to take to refine my life even further, and I hope I won't miss out or take too long learning the lessons that can draw me closer to Jesus.

This fall is going to be very full with almost every morning filled with therapies. I've trimmed my schedule but still feel the tight squeeze and hope to trim a bit more. I love people and as an extrovert my cup is filled and overflowing after spending time with them. I've realized that my love language is time spent, so between this way of loving and the way I receive my energy, it's going to be a sacrifice to not be with all the people I want to spend time with. At the same time I know I can learn a lot by just focusing on our home life during this season.

When I have to say "no" to spending time with people I feel this twinge of guilt; I'm worried that those I say "no" to won't believe that I love them. I also know that there are many times I can neglect my own needs and at times my family's by "making sure" others feel loved. It's the "God complex" disease that rears it's ugly head every so often in my life. Absurd! It's embarrassing to admit and weird to even think that I could somehow control and make sure that people feel loved...which I can't, but I can easily burn myself out trying. I believe it's a fine line of people-pleasing and truly loving. 

Sometimes I believe the lie that I'm being selfish if I don't continue to give and give and forget that even when I focus in on my own home I am still giving. I need to remember that I've been given three little people who need a lot right now and who will live their lives by watching my example. No pressure there.

I'd love to get a better handle on this and ask that you and our friends share any thoughts they have. 

Ann
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Ann,

I know this is The Struggle for you. What's so crazy is how this quality is also such a unique blessing! I've walked beside you for so many years and I've seen the pros and cons to this incredible gift. It's that whole battle of knowing how to apply it in a new season.

I can't relate to the desire to be with people so often, but I can relate to sometimes overlooking the people under our feet right now. Like we've talked about so many times, there's a fine line between being too inward focused (on the family) and just doing our job as wives and moms. I think it requires constant evaluating. I know you want to teach your girls about loving others and serving, and there's no doubt they're picking up on these priorities.

Feeling thankful for your honesty.

Jen

Scary Babysitter

Ann,

So I was lying in the boys' room the other night, telling them yet another Mowgli story, and I had a thought: I would never hire the teenage version of myself to babysit for my children.

As a teen I was the "block" babysitter. I'm pretty sure these parents had no clue how dumb I was because they left me with their babies when I was barely 12.

But as you know I am useless at nighttime and, pre-kids, I could sleep through an explosion. I remember parents always explaining they'd be late, and after their kids when to bed to "feel free to relax on the couch and fall asleep" until they returned. Of course I never planned on actually falling asleep, but then I probably shouldn't have covered up, laid back, and rested my head on their comfy throw pillows.

I remember one time in particular when I was babysitting for the O'Riordans, the pretty family in the biggest house on Ferris. I was awakened at midnight by Mr. O'Riordan standing across the living room calling, "Jenni? Um...Jenni!" I startled awake and mumbled something about the book I was reading (no book in sight, by the way). He said, "Wow, you were really out." I stumbled around the living room and couldn't even coordinate my hands to grab my jacket. Maybe the worst part was the 6-house walk home accompanied by Mr. O, me trying to find something redeemable to discuss about the evening with their 3-year-old terror. What must he have thought?

Well they asked me back again and again, so they must not mind a babysitter who would sleep through their kid's screams and a burglar axing down the door. They must have really needed those nights out!

Jen

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Jen,

And now you wake up at every sound your kids make! The irony.

Ann

Which Foot?

Catina always seems to have a hard time figuring out which shoe goes on which foot. I heard about this tip where you can find stickers, cut them in half and then put one half in each shoe to make a picture. We found heart stickers at the dollar store and did just that. It was fun and super helpful! After doing this project I found out you can buy stickers just for this purpose. The Dollar Store is cheaper but if you are interested these look like a lot of fun!

Ada Makes Three!

Jen,

A few weeks ago Ada had tubes put in her ears. She had some fluid at her first ENT appointment and when they did a hearing test she wasn't hearing.

The day of the surgery Ada went 21 hours with no food, between needing an empty stomach for surgery and not giving her food other than sugar water once she woke up. The surgery went well and while she was under they did an ABR (Auditory Brain Response) test. June had this when she was 6 weeks old. Her hearing came back normal which was a sigh of relief because it's one less thing to be concerned with. Keeping hearing aids in a little one has been a challenge, and from what I hear it's harder keeping them in the ears of a child with Down syndrome because the cartilage in their ears is a little floppier.

"But Daddy, I'm so hungry and they are making me wear this huge gown!"

Ada rolls over on purpose all the time now and is trying to get up on her knees to crawl. She can sit up for brief moments and enjoys playing in her Bumbo with a tray. When she is hungry she smacks her lips. We are starting to sign with her and we play the little game "How big is Ada?" and lift her arms up high. Now she is starting to bring her arms to her face when we say this and she grins from ear to ear. In September she will have a 2 1/2 hour eye appointment to figure out what her vision is like.

Ada's sisters teaching her fine motor skils.

I can't remember if I told you about her thyroid test. The poor thing had to have blood drawn from her arm. Fortunately, the test was negative and she doesn't need to be on meds at this time. Speaking of not remembering, I've been slipping in this area. By the time my first two girls were six months old I felt like I was getting out of the fog and things were becoming easier. That has not been the case this time. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to get everything done and, oh, sometimes I remember I really don't have to get everything done! I've had friends tell me they would meet me somewhere and later I'll realize I thought it was a dream and barely make it to the destination.

Sisters playing princess in their castle tent.

I feel like some days I can keep up with the steam roller but others days it's brushing up against my back side and I'm going to be squashed. I'm hoping this Fall when things are a bit more scheduled my mind and body will keep up better. How do we fit it all in? Or what don't we fit in?

Catina and June holding hands while swinging.

I'm really excited about what the Lord is teaching me but now I need to listen and find out how I'm suppose to live life in this new way and turn from my old ways. Incorporating this new life and keeping up with three children seems complicated without serious boundaries. My biggest fear in all of this is for friends to not understand and think I am brushing them off or not wanting to be around them. I wonder if others deal with this same issue and I wonder what they do about it.

Pray for me!

Ann

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Ann,

Thanks for your honesty. I'm so glad we can talk about this even in a season where we're grasping for time to connect over the phone. Even with friends as close as us it's easy to just get bits and pieces of each others' lives and really have no clue how they're doing or feeling. Thanks for sharing, and know that I'm interceding!

Jen

End of Summer

Ann,

As we await the 20-week ultrasound for this baby, I'm finding myself thinking a lot about our experience with Elisabeth.

First of all, it's exactly the same time of year! The due dates are only 9 days apart, so all of the milestones are coming at the same time, particularly this one. Although I love the smell of a new season in the air, it brings some sadness and loneliness for me.

So here's the crazy part: the thing I keep remembering has more to do with infertility than with our loss. I'm not sure why, but here's the memory that's sitting in my gut:

Before we were able to have children I remember wishing so hard to imagine what it would feel like to sit in a hospital bed with that ugly gown and no makeup, hair a mess, with a swaddled baby in my arms. I would see these classic pictures on Facebook and shudder. What did that baby smell like? How did the mom feel? Were there visitors? How was her labor? (And how happy must she be to post that hideous picture of herself?!) When the mom was younger than me, like 10 years or more, it was particularly painful. Those were the moments I played with the idea of "no fair."

LIES

TRUTH

Even though my labor and general birth experience was pretty normal when we had Elisabeth, I was well aware that I still hadn't experienced that "picture." I think that's what this season reminds me of, the time when I realized I still wasn't going to have that kind of "normal" experience. And of course I've had three healthy babies since then, for which I'm indescribably grateful, but a memory is a memory and I can't change that feeling in my gut.

Sometimes I feel so far from infertility, and then I have those moments like this where I could be right back there grieving and waiting. I don't claim to be, nor do I want to be, the spokesperson for infertility, but I do hope these memories make me open to using my experiences to help others if opportunities arise.

Jen

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Jen,

I've been thinking the same about this pregnancy. When we talked on the phone earlier this week we realized we no longer think of the ultrasound as a way to know if we are having a boy or girl, but a way to know what will our baby be like. Are they healthy? Will they have special needs?

It's like we've walked through the door of a different dimension and we can no longer see how things used to be. Even though this side of the door is hard I wouldn't trade it. It's who we are today and again we pray our experiences can help others and even ourselves.

Ann