Pour Out My Soul

Jen,

When I was in elementary school my family, at the encouragement of my mom, decided to sponsor a child from Compassion International. Christine was the most faithful to writing our little girl in India named Annie. Annie's parents were missionaries and to this day are faithful to their ministry in loving God and loving others. Fortunately for us, Annie liked to write us back. I remember how exciting it was to receive a letter from Annie and how I always regretted I didn't write more. Thank God for Christine!

It was really sad when Annie was too old for us to sponsor anymore because we lost touch with her. Until...good ole Facebook! Annie found us, which was a miracle really. How cool is it that we're friends with her on Facebook and are able to see her little baby girl's smiling face over thousands and thousands of miles? Once Annie and I were reconnected I began to read her blog. She is very inspiring to me because she always seems so full of Hope and Joy.

Photo of Annie and her family taken at her daughter Gracia's christening.

Last summer Annie wrote a post about Hannah from the Bible. I never really read Hannah's story but knew she was a woman who struggled with infertility. After reading Annie's post I read the story for myself and was struck how admirable it was that Hannah poured her heart out to the Lord. She told Him her desires.

From 1 Samuel 1:9-17 it says:

Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on his chair by the doorpost of the LORD’s house. In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the LORD, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, “LORD Almighty, if you will only look on your servant’s misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.”

As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, “How long are you going to stay drunk? Put away your wine.”

“Not so, my lord,” Hannah replied, “I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.”

Eli answered, “Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.” 

She poured her soul out to the Lord! I am a coward in this area. Somehow, I have these strange fears of the Lord hearing my prayer and denying my request. He continues to prove His love for me, yet I still don't trust Him. I want to learn how to "pour my soul out to the Lord!" I remember there were times in my life when I did and how freeing it was. The next time I am troubled, please remind me of this story. I want to live this one out.

Ann
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Ann,

This is such an amazing story. Praise God for Annie and your family loving her!

I hope we will always remind each other of this important part of our faith. "Freeing" is a great word to describe how it feels when we just let it out, give it to Him, and be done with it! (And let's hope when we're 80 we can look back on 40 years of faithfully living this out.)

Jen

Parenting Styles

Ann,

It seems that Myers-Briggs has been a theme in our conversations lately. I actually dread the subject since I took so many personality assessments in my past jobs; I knew "what" I was and that was that.

In those days I always fell into the same quadrant. But as we talked about the different personality types I thought it might be useful to take it again, especially since I would be answering from the perspective of a women/wife/mother and not an employee. So I took the test again, and there were certainly some differences. I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say I believe it's going to help me understand the kind of parent I'm evolving into.

You are extremely social with your kids. I have regular play-dates and certainly get "out" with the kids, but in general I would be pretty content being home most of the time. Well, this is because I'm an introvert! DUH! I think because I'm not shy I always assumed I'm an extrovert, but of course that's not true.

Here's another revelation: I happened upon this online quiz, where I learned something interesting about a parent who is an S (sensing instead of intuitive). The results said I would take pleasure in the day-to-day activities of my children, but might get stressed about having to be particularly creative with them. This is exactly how I feel! I love the practical and necessary activities--the feeding, bathing, diapering, teaching--but when it comes time to play and maybe even use our imaginations? I'm in trouble. What I appreciated about this quiz is that it asks you the questions based on parenting, so it's easier to formulate answers. (For instance I do love being creative personally, but not with kids. This enabled me to isolate that fact.)

It's fun to learn information that will help us become more aware of our strengths and weaknesses. Of course we need to take it with a grain of salt, but if it helps us to accept how God made us and spurs us on to become a unique parent for our children, then I believe it's a good thing.

Jen

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Jen,

If only you could feed my kids and change their diapers while I create musicals and masterpiece paintings with them! You could stay behind with the kids who need the down time and I'll take the rest out on a field trip.

I know Myers-Briggs is not the end-all-be-all but it has helped me communicate better with my friends, husband and children. I've also been able to be sensitive to my children who are introverts such as my eldest, Catina. Giving her time to be alone and not planning too much activity for one day has really helped her. She loves people but I know they drain her. Whenever we've had big family parties we have either made them short or have given her an "out" to be with less people during the party, which has really helped her. Children don't always know why they are overwhelmed, and if we can figure how they gain their energy we can point them in the right direction. This can serve them for a lifetime.

I'm looking forward to continuing to learn how God has created those around me, most of all our children. It has been fun and helpful to me to realize the similarities in personalities between Everett and Catina, and Levi and June. We can glean from one other what our children may need to help them be the best people they can be.

Ann

Girls' Room

For years now (10 to be exact), I've wanted to redo our bedroom. Ever since we knew Ada was coming along we had decided to switch bedrooms with the girls; the plan was to take the smaller room and give them the bigger one. Here is our before and afters of the girls' room. Our house was built in 1901 and I'm almost positive the wallpaper is from the original owner! Not really, but...well, just maybe.

BEFORE

 

So...I was waiting to take the "reveal pictures" on the day when we had completely redecorated and the room was perfectly clean, but since that only last seconds, the picture below is as close as I could get.

One thing I love is the curtains we ordered from Kohls. They block out light and sound and it really has helped the girls sleep better. Sleeping at the back of the house as helped, too, because they don't hear the neighbor leave at 6am which promptly wakes them up. I'm loving sleeping in until 6:45 am (insert sarcasm here)!

AFTER

 

I made these out of tiny canvases.

Greg built in these dressers and book shelves which really save space.

 

Some day the white beds will be bunk beds but the girls are a bit too young for that. Next year!

June checking out Ada's crib.

The girls holding hands in their sleep. TEARS!

Parenting Performance

Jen,

Have you ever been in a situation where you know you aren't being the parent you should be? I'm not talking the lazy days where you let your kids watch extra t.v. shows so you can just have a break. I'm talking about the moments when you are in public and you know you wouldn't act like that if you were alone.

This week my mother-in-law was over to see the girls and I was going to run out to Target and Trader Joe's. (By the way, the whole trip took me less than an hour and a half and I know with three kids it would've been twice that!) I was giving her instructions about Ada's bottle and Catina kept pulling on her hand. She has sore joints in her hands and we've told Catina repeatedly to not pull on Gramie's hands because they hurt. Well, Catina kept doing it. This frustrated me greatly so I finally grabbed Catina, looked her in the eye, and said loudly, "DO  NOT PULL GRAMIE'S HANDS!" Catina immediately broke into tears. I hugged her and told her that I understand she wanted to be with Gramie but she cannot continue to pull on her hand. She calmed down and immediately jumped back into being with Gramie, only this time asking her to play and not pulling on her hand.

Now for me this was a good scenario, minus the reality that I felt a little harsher than normal. Normally when Gramie is over I feel insecure and afraid to be the parent I really am, which seems to happens to me with women who have parented and now have children who are older. Obviously their children no longer whine and pull on their grandmother's hands when they aren't suppose to, and my fear is that they don't remember the moments their children acted this same exact way.

Wait a minute! You know, I take that back, this also happens with my peers--peers whose children never seem to misbehave. It also happens when I am around people who haven't had children yet. Somehow, I believe that in their heads they are saying "Well, look at her kid misbehaving and not listening. Tsk, tsk, tsk..." I listen to the voice in my head, believing it's also in their heads, and I freeze. I forget what I normally do in the situation where Catina is whining and misbehaving.

I no longer want to be that person. One of the things I try my hardest at is being a consistent parent. That doesn't mean I can't change my mind on how things should be handled, but whatever I choose and discuss with my husband, Greg, I should be consistent with.

Each season I choose new goals that I'd like to work on with each child. Recently, I started sharing those goals with Catina so she knows what we are working on. Some day soon I will share these with you but in the meantime please pray that I can be a more consistent parent in public and at home.

Ann

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Ann,

I believe judgement is one of the biggest hindrances to good parenting! 'Cause let's face it, we're all faking it and trying to build the bike while we ride it. I dream of being able to walk through the grocery store, totally ignoring the screaming child in my cart, without my face getting hot and embarrassed. Granted, I can seriously fake a "what's the big deal?" look, but wouldn't it be great for it not to come with a side helping of mortification?

I wish we could all parent securely and confidently. I predict the kids would sniff out our resolve and not even bother messing with us.

Can't wait to hear the goals! Just started doing that with the twins. It's one way I feel like I have some direction in our days at home.

Jen

Themes

Ann,

A couple funny things happened this week and strangely they're actually bringing me comfort.

Hannah sent me this ecard, which could not be more true for me.

This morning the boys and I were playing with some new balls. They're pretty small and we made a game out of hiding them, which always turns into shoving them inside our shirts while we act like we don't know where they've gone. I was lying on the floor and Everett was sitting beside me, the other two running around like monkeys looking for "Hayden's ball." Everett glanced my way, looked down at my chest, squeezed my boob, and asked, "Hayden's ball?"

Naturally I burst out laughing, totally out of control with laughter. When I stopped, he actually did it again, this time giving it not one, but three squeezes! I can only imagine he was trying to figure out if he was feeling the ball or not (NOT). Once I got my composure I explained what that lump was, and that it certainly wasn't Hayden's ball.

The laugh was so welcome, as I'd just been crying in the kitchen. Yesterday was the last day of nursing Hayden. Which means yesterday was the last day I'll nurse a baby. Ever. I've only been nursing him once a day for the past 2 months, but it's still the end of a chapter. I'm very thankful I dragged it out this long, but I'd already gone longer than I'd planned and it was definitely time.

And maybe since I don't need to watch my caffeine intake I'll head to Caribou and get a double espresso or something. Or eat six cans of tuna. Hmm...things I didn't really miss anyway.

Jen

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Jen,

I love when we have the presence of mind to laugh at the funniness around us. It helps us not take some of life too seriously. I am believing this is a great message to both of us that even though we will continue to need to let go and it may be emotional, that when we do our children again will remind us that they are moving on and are going to be o.k.

Ann

Spring Decor

I made this as a spring decoration for my Mom. (by Ann)

Blessed Be His Name

Jen,

I remember the first time the desire to have children hit me. It was the day my niece, Clara, was born. I remember how sad I was that I couldn't see her right away and I remember the first time I met her when she was a four months old. I totally fell in love! She was the cutest baby in the whole wide world!

A couple of years later my sister, Christine, and I became pregnant at the same time. Her with a boy, Sean, and me with a girl, Catina. It was our dream come true, minus the attached back yards. These kids are so bonded even though they live in New Mexico and we live in Michigan (so much for attached back yards!). Then June came along. Clara loved June right away and is such a lover of little ones. I'm really looking forward to her meeting our Ada.

In between Catina and June there was another little--one conceived in my sister. I remember the day she called to tell me she was pregnant. I was at a friend's 50th birthday party hanging out by a pool and feeling a bit sorry for myself because I really wanted another baby, and it seemed like those around me who were my age were pregnant. Her phone call shocked me out of my pity party and I was so excited to get to know another niece or nephew!

A couple of months went by when my sister, who is normally always sick when she is pregnant, started to feel better. At first I thought maybe it was because her baby was so different than the other two. But Christine knew in her heart something was wrong. I was with my parents when I got the phone call that she had lost the baby. We all just sat there, not knowing what to do. She was so many miles away and it really really sucked that we couldn't be there! We had no words and felt helpless to do anything.

Later that year Christine and her family moved from their home to work at a home for children who were neglected. Christine and her husband, Jonathan became house parents and at one point had 10 children in their home. And to think at times I think I'm overwhelmed! During their stay they fell in love with three little girls. These little girls wormed their way into the hearts of their house parents and their house siblings, Christine and Jonathan's kids, Clara and Sean. When they felt it was time to move on from being house parents it was very hard to leave their little girls. They kept in touch as much as they were allowed, and for a brief time had hope they might even be able to take these girls into their home.

Being away from these three girls is another loss for Christine and Jonathan and it's hard to understand "The Plan" in all of these losses. This reminds me of the lyrics to a popular song, which read:

You give and take away, You give and take away
My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name

Sometimes it's a hard thing to choose, but I pray our hearts will continue to say it!

 

I am praying blessings on this family, that they will know His love despite loss and that those around them who are part of the body of Christ will be given the wisdom of how to love them tangibly. They are a great family who have chosen to live their life for Christ; they have chosen to step out and love those around them and I am asking the Lord to bless them beyond their comprehension.

May those who have suffered a loss be comforted.

Ann

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Ann,

My heart breaks for Christine's loss. Miscarriage is devastating in so many ways, including the fact that it's a death that often goes unnoticed or can be easily forgotten. I do pray that women like Christine who've endured this would somehow find peace in their experience.

Her story of loving the girls from the children's home makes me think of the verse that gave me great comfort during my waiting years. It refers to the barren woman, but I believe it applies here. Sometimes we're mothers to children who are not our "own."

Isaiah 54:1-3

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD.

“Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes. For you will spread out to the right and to the left; your descendants will dispossess nations and settle in their desolate cities."

Yes, God bless this family, and bless all their children.

Jen